12 Reasons Why Your Coworkers Are Not Your Friends

“We’re like family here!” How often have you heard that in a job posting or staff meeting? While I understand the sentiment, it often proves to be quite the opposite. As much as you may want to believe that you can build genuine friendships at work, the fact is they are rare. After working at 20+ companies and coaching hundreds of professionals, I’ve learned that your coworkers are not your friends. In this article, I’m going to break down common misconceptions, the why, reasons, and lessons learned.

Before talking about why your coworkers are not your friends, I want to answer two common questions on this topic.

Why do people say coworkers are not your friends?

One of the things I love about hearing advice and being able to give career advice is that I’ve already been through it (and so have others). If someone is telling you to avoid getting too close to your colleagues, it’s because they’ve already made that mistake in their career.

The power of having honest and transparent conversations is being able to learn from others so that you don’t have to make the same mistake. Others with lived experience are willingly giving you a roadmap and best practices to follow to save you tears, stress, and potential heartache. Although their experience may not be identical to yours, it’s great to keep that information in the back of your mind as you navigate.

People say coworkers are not your friends because they are not. Often the friendship is temporary, self-serving, and truly based on one commonality… you work for the same employer. It’s hard to build a genuine friendship when you have this much going against you. Some people do, but most are not able to shift a work friendship into a best friends space. 

Is it normal to not be friends with coworkers?

Normal’ish! I recommend being friendly and being on good terms with your colleagues. Having friendly and respectful relationships makes your time at work easier. Also, having the right alliances in the workplace allows you to reach your professional goals faster.

Being friends and being friendly are two different things. Being friendly can include acknowledging each other, making small talk about the weekend and personal interests, as well as doing favors in the workplace, and showing support during challenging times. Taking relationships to the friendship level involves disclosing private information about yourself, sharing personal stories, talking frequently outside of work, phone calls, and doing activities together outside of work.

So yes, it’s normal to not take things to the friendship level. Most professionals go into their careers knowing that they may make a couple of genuine friendships in the workplace that last for years to come, but most understand that they have to play a game of friendly chess to reach their goals.

Top reasons your coworkers are not your friends

1. The relationship is based on convenience

This is a harsh truth and one I learned the hard way, but 90% of the time, your colleagues are confiding in you, laughing with you, and sharing details about their life with you because you’re there. You can also think of this as close proximity convenience. Think about it, we spend most of our lives in the office and so little time at home. It’s natural to want to vent or get advice from the people who are readily available to you. They know they will see you every day and sometimes they may not have anyone else to confide in so you’re the easy option. What happens when you leave for another department or another company? Guaranteed they’ll move on to building a relationship with the next person who is convenient. Remember, relationships based on the fact that you’re easily accessible and your attendance is somewhat reliable, typically doesn’t last long term.

2. You likely connected with this person over a toxic trait or trauma bond

What’s that one quote, “the enemy of my enemy is my friend.” Yes, I know it sounds harsh, but it’s meant to illustrate an example. Work colleagues often team up with each other when they have a mutual “enemy” in common. In this case, the enemy is your workplace or boss. Ever notice how gossipers, bullies, or pessimists hang out together in the workplace? I’m sure if you stop to think about it, you can point them out (heck! Maybe you’re in one of the groups).

As humans, it’s natural to gravitate towards and bond over trauma, injustices, or someone you dislike. You can talk about them, complain about them, validate, and understand each other’s pain. This doesn’t mean it’s healthy, but it’s the one thing you have it common. Just like convenience, when you leave the organization or get a new boss, will the relationship last? Often it won’t because you no longer have that one topic to talk about.

3. Most people only care about themselves

In the workplace, your colleagues are looking out for themselves. Most will do anything to benefit their best interests. This could mean throwing you under the bus, taking a project from you, or taking credit for something you did. It’s hard to form close relationships because the workplace can quickly become a competitive space where people are willing to do what it takes to reach their personal career goals and business goals!

4. Not everyone has the best intentions

The truth is, you don’t know these people. You only know a side of them that they intentionally portray. I know it’s not a popular opinion, but the reality is, not everyone has good intentions. As I mentioned previously, the majority of people are looking out for themselves and looking out for themselves can involve getting to know you for a purpose that benefits them. Whether its gaining knowledge, acquiring new skills, or finding “dirt” to use against you later on…your coworkers may not have the best intentions for you. 

5. You don’t really know each other

There’s a huge difference between knowing someone and “knowing someone.” You get to see the best side of people at work… at least the “perfect” side they want you to see. One time I ran a poll to thousands of professionals and asked “do you bring your whole self to work?” 73%  of people said NO! To be honest, I’m surprised that the number wasn’t higher, but it definitely makes my point a bit clearer. You don’t really know your coworkers. If they are only showing you what they want you to see, it’s hard to build meaningful relationships because you really don’t know them.

Note: By now you’re probably reading this list thinking, “wow Chelsea, this is a pretty dark outlook.” Well I’m sorry, I don’t mean to disappoint you, but after working for over 20 companies and forming a variety of relationships (and witnessing some last and others fall apart) I’m just sharing what I know to be true based on my experience. You also have to remember, as a Leadership and Career Coach I’ve heard it all when it comes to workplace relationships and have even had to coach professionals on best practices for forming relationships at work.

6. There’s differing Interests and Backgrounds

While you may share common goals and values at the office (i.e. meeting deadlines, securing clients, carrying out the mission) with your coworkers, you might not have much in common outside of work. Your interests, hobbies, and backgrounds could be completely different, which can make it hard to find reasons or opportunities to hang out outside of the office. Real friends have common interests that they participate in together and it keeps them connected.

7. The workplace is competitive

Everyone (almost everyone) has career goals AND feelings. In the workplaces, there’s an inherent sense of competition for promotions, recognition, and bonuses. Being in these type of competitive environments can put a heavy strain on friendships because at the end of the day most people will prioritize their career advancement over personal relationships.

8. You have different priorities

Everyone has lives outside of the workplace and while you may enjoy spending time with coworkers during office hours, everyone has different priorities outside of work. This can include family obligations, personal commitments, hobbies, and side hustles can limit the time available for cultivating friendships with coworkers.

9. Power Dynamics and Hierarchies

Ever heard of the “chain of command?” Early in my career I heard this a lot. In hierarchical organizations, there’s often a power dynamic between employees and their supervisors or managers. Attempting to befriend someone in a position of authority can blur boundaries and create conflicts of interest.

If you choose to do this, you have to do so with intention and perhaps look into requesting mentorship as opposed to 

10. Gossip and office politics are the norm

Gossip and office politics are the center of many workplaces, in fact, sometimes that is the office culture. When you choose to form close friendships with coworkers, you may divulge personal information that could end up being the center of office gossip. Sharing personal information or opinions could be misconstrued or used against you in the workplace. 

11. Career Transitions and Changes

In today’s rapidly changing  job market, people switch jobs more frequently than in the past. Friendships formed in the workplace may not withstand the test of time if one or both parties leave the organization for new opportunities. I know this from personal experience. There were coworkers that I used to hang out with all the time and even attend family events together, but once I left, we would keep in touch for about 3 to 6 months then the communication eventually stopped. 

If the only thing you have in common is the workplace or the “hate” for it, your friendship won’t last longer than 3 months after you leave. Once you move on, you’ll get tired of talking about your last job and you may find that you have nothing else to talk about. 

12. Your friendship can affect your reputation

I say this all the time…people are watching you, making assumptions, and forming opinions based on who you associate yourself with. If you latch on to the wrong person, it could decrease your opportunities for promotions or developing professional relationships with others who can help you further your career. 

Hard facts on why your coworkers are not your friends

I want to be clear, I want you to be friendly and cordial towards your coworkers because these are the people that you will see every day. Depending on how long you stay employed at your company some of these people will also witness your best days and some of your worst. They may be apart of new beginnings like weddings, anniversaries, baby showers, etc. Depending on your team, you may even celebrate major holidays together. I’m telling you this because with so much to share amongst each other, there has to be some level of “yeah we get along.” However, I don’t want you to confuse “getting along” and “being cordial” with becoming close friends. 

Friendships are centered around vulnerability which include sharing personal things such as insecurities, family issues, fears, good news, etc. You’re probably wondering, “Chelsea, since you’re encouraging me not to be friends with my coworkers, what are the pro’s?” Well you know I got you. I’ve created a pros list of not becoming friends with your coworkers. 

Pro’s to not becoming friends with coworkers

Pro #1- You can maintain objectivity: By keeping a certain level of distance from coworkers, you can approach work-related decisions and interactions with objectivity and neutrality. Avoiding personal biases or conflicts of interest can lead to more fair and rational decision-making processes.

Pro #2- You decrease the amount of conflicts and drama you are involved in: Whew talk about a potential friendship causing a moral dilemma. Workplace friendships can sometimes lead to conflicts, gossip, or drama, especially if personal issues spill over into professional settings. By keeping relationships with coworkers professional, you can minimize the likelihood of misunderstandings or disputes that may arise from personal interactions.

Pro #3- You can maintain privacy: Maintaining a separation between work and personal life helps preserve your privacy and autonomy. You can choose to share personal information with trusted friends outside of work, rather than feeling obligated to disclose personal details to coworkers. Plus, your coworkers won’t be able to use what they know about you against you. 

Pro #4- You can focus on prioritizing your career goals: Prioritizing professional relationships over personal friendships allows you to stay focused on your career goals and aspirations. By avoiding distractions or emotional entanglements (ha, yes! I couldn’t wait to use that word! IYKYK) in the workplace, you can devote more time and energy to achieving professional success.

Pro #5- You can avoid office politics: I’m not a fan of office politics, but they exist. Forming close friendships with coworkers can sometimes draw you into office politics or cliques, which may not align with your values or professional goals. Also, I know I say this all the time, but people are watching and by maintaining a professional demeanor and avoiding excessive socializing, you can steer clear of unnecessary workplace drama. I wrote an article on the effects of rumors and gossip in the workplace, if you’re interested you can check it out here, 15 Effects of Rumors and Gossip in the Workplace.

Pro #6- Reduce perception of bias and favoritism: Building close friendships with certain coworkers can lead to perceptions of favoritism or bias, especially if you’re in a position of authority. By treating all coworkers with professionalism and respect, you can minimize accusations of unfair treatment or preferential treatment.

Pro #7- Protect your emotional and mental well-being: Workplace friendships can be rewarding, but they can also be emotionally and mentally draining, especially if conflicts or disagreements arise. By maintaining professional boundaries, you can protect your emotional well-being and avoid getting distracted by the personal dramas of coworkers.

Pro #8- Your work life balance is enhanced: Keeping boundaries between work and personal life helps maintain a healthy work-life balance. By compartmentalizing your professional and personal spheres, you can recharge and rejuvenate outside of work, instead of being tied up on the phone gossiping or trauma bonding outside of work. 

Pro #9- You will have great professional references: It’s a good idea to maintain friendly and professional relationships that can help you secure great references and referrals for other opportunities. When personal feelings aren’t involved, you don’t have to worry about jealousy or potential sabotage. If you are wondering who else you can use as a reference, check out this article, Best Tips for Asking for a Letter of Recommendation.

Can real friendships truly exist in the workplace?

You know how with romantic relationships people always say “when you know you know?” The same can be true about friendships as well. Sometimes the right people are in the right organization at the right time and magic happens. After working for a variety of companies I can tell you that I met my best friend at one of my workplaces and have a few good friends as well (we aren’t as close as we used to be, but we do catch up and meet up regularly). 

That’s the other thing about a working relationship, you have to be flexible because when you leave or make a transition, the friendship may look different. Instead of hanging out once a week like you used to, that may turn into once a quarter. It takes two people to value a relationship in order to make it work so don’t get your hopes up too high. 

I will also say that I do have cordial enough relationships with about 90% of the people I worked with and if I needed to call them for a reference or a referral, I could still get one. This was also a personal goal of mine when it came to building workplace relationships. I always wanted to have people I could call on if needed. 

Conclusion

While it’s natural to form bonds with coworkers, the best thing to keep in mind is that it’s essential that you recognize that creating clear boundaries between professional relationships and personal friendships. Understanding the reasons why your coworkers are not your friends can help maintain a healthy work environment and avoid potential conflicts or misunderstandings. By prioritizing your level of professionalism, respecting boundaries, and nurturing personal relationships outside of work, you can cultivate a fulfilling and balanced life both in and out of the workplace. You’ve got this!